Have you ever wondered what the Bible says about dealing with emotional abuse? It talks a lot about love and hate, but what about relationships that fall somewhere in the middle, or are constantly flipping between both extremes?
If you’re a Christian who is struggling with a toxic relationship—especially if you have reason to believe they may be a narcissist—this article is for you.
The following is a valuable framework to help you discern whether a relationship is reflective of God’s Love. But before that, we need to clarify a couple terms.
Narcissistic vs Narcissism*
Thanks to social media, the word narcissist has become a major buzzword in recent years, yet a critical distinction is too often overlooked.
“By virtue of having our own brain and body and the need to self-advocate, each of us can be prone to some narcissistic patterns. When under stress we may, for example, lapse into childhood defenses of denial or projection, manipulate to get something we want, or judge someone who appears different from us.
Pathological Narcissism, by contrast, involves a lifelong pattern of neglectful and abusive behavior toward others, with a devastating impact on the abused. Driven by a desire to control, outdo, exploit, and humiliate others, narcissists compulsively distort reality, leverage vulnerability, violate boundaries, and blame-shift their own abuse onto those they abuse.”
Julie L. Hall, excerpt from Psychology Today
Narcissism can be difficult to recognize when you’re caught in the middle of it, and much of it occurs behind closed doors, which is part of what makes this type of abuse so destructive.
Societal misconceptions about narcissism enable abusers and discourage victims from seeking help to get out of harmful relationships.
But there is hope ahead and a road to freedom and healing. Whether you’ve been affected by NPD in the past, in your current situation, or know loved ones who are, I hope this article encourages you to do further research and reach out for help if necessary.
Biblical Definition of Love
This passage from 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 clearly outlines what a healthy relationship based on love should look like:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others.
It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Compare this version of Love alongside qualities of potentially toxic relationships. Reflect on how closely they align, and pay extra attention in any areas of clear opposition. Consider the following questions:
Are they impatient? Are they unkind?
Do they act in envy, boastfulness, or pride?
Do they dishonor you or others?
Are they self-seeking and easily angered?
Do they keep record of all your wrongs?
Do they delight in lies, and reject what is true?
Do they leave you feeling unprotected, distrusting, weak, and in despair?
Regardless of how many you answered yes to, or how long ago you were hurt, know there is a far Greater Love eagerly waiting to outpour new life into you and rewrite your perceptions of love.
And He is patient. He is kind.
He is not envious, boastful, or proud.
He will not dishonor you.
He is not self-seeking or easily-angered.
He knows all wrongs, yet keeps no record.
He rebukes all evil, and rejoices in Truth.
He will always make you feel protected, trusting, hopeful, and resilient.
God is Love
This is the true meaning and embodiment of Love, the kind that you and all of us deserve, as beloved children of God.
If what you currently have doesn’t resemble what’s written above—especially if it reflects the exact opposite—take it to God. Seek guidance, do research, make peace with yourself, and know it is okay to change for the better.
Discernment
Remember, there is a KEY difference between individuals who are imperfect, yet willing to work on things and improve (grace, anyone?!) versus individuals who constantly manipulate to inflict harm and never take ownership for their hurtful actions.
Change doesn’t always happen overnight, and leaving a relationship isn’t always possible or plausible, depending on each individual circumstance. No one can tell you for certain what to do or what not to do, but I hope you find assurance in knowing God will lead you through.
In times when it is for the best—when you’ve given it everything you have and no other option seems to be had—just know if you do walk away, tomorrow’s Love will welcome you to a brand new day. ♡
Resources and more information
- 12 Signs You’ve Experienced Narcissistic Abuse on Healthline
- The Terrible Toll of Narcissistic Abuse on Psychology Today
- Effects of Narcissistic Abuse on Verywell Mind
- Serious Misconceptions about Narcissism on Psychology Today
- 7 Types of Narcissists and What to Look For on Better Help
≫ Self discernment is equally important as discerning our relationships. Consider if your own words and actions are reflective of the verses above.
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*Disclaimer: The information provided on The Beacon Road is not a substitute for professional medical advice, mental health advice, spiritual advice, or treatment of specific medical, mental health &/or spiritual conditions. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem, for yourself or others, without consulting a qualified healthcare provider. The Beacon Road is not liable for how the information is used and cannot be held responsible or guarantee any results. The Beacon Road is simply serving as a guide to help you reach your own spiritual wellness and mental health goals through simple holistic remedies and lifestyle changes.
