POWER OF AWARENESS
Acknowledging the effects of narcissism can be incredibly healing, helping you to better understand yourself. Narcissistic Abuse has a way of clouding one’s perception and identity; whether you’re stuck in a relationship with one or it ended years ago, awareness is everything. We can’t change if we’re not first aware of what needs changing.
It may seem daunting to put what happened into words, but it’s actually incredibly freeing. Holding space for your lived reality opens up possibilities for profound change, inner growth, cultivating safe connections, exploring new ways of being, and rewriting your story on your terms.
IMPACT OF ABUSE
Research shows that complex trauma (also referred to as chronic, longterm, or ongoing) can be more intense with longer term impact vs. an isolated trauma or even physical abuse. Psychological harm and coercive control are at the root of narcissistic abuse, so dismantling the effects of this trauma can be incredibly disorienting. It can distort your view of the world, your relationship with others, your own identity, or even your belief system.
Even after cutting ties with a narcissist, it’s easy to question whether you made the right decision, or start doubting if things were actually that bad in the first place. Maybe you’re still in contact with one, debating whether you should leave, or due to circumstances you’re unable to go completely No Contact. Maybe you’re still trying to wrap your head around how this person could cause such deep harm to people they supposedly cared for most.
The following books are filled with encouragement for victims and survivors of this abuse, validating that what you went through was indeed crazy. It might seem impossible to leave, or the road ahead may be overwhelmingly uncertain, but choosing your own sanity and peace of mind is worth it in the long run.
Even if you’ve never encountered a narcissist, these books help raise awareness of what others go through behind closed doors, highlighting the grave impact of minimizing or dismissing others’ experiences.
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REVIEW:
If you’ve looked into narcissism before, there’s a good chance you’ve come across some of Arabi’s work. This book is a collection of articles, covering nearly every facet of Narcissistic Abuse and how to overcome it. If you have even a slight suspicion that a current or past relationship is or was with a narcissist, this book is a must read.
With personal and professional experience, the author presents difficult information with empathy, warmth, and encouragement. It offers a deep yet accessible overview of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and instructs readers on the most effective ways to handle this type of individual. It also outlines practical ways to care for yourself throughout each phase of this tumultuous experience.
If you found your way to this blog post, there’s bound to be something in this book that resonates and helps you on your healing journey. Even if it doesn’t relate, you’ll have important insight on red flags to look out for in your own relationships, and be more empathetic to others’ experiences.
The introduction may be a little jarring for some, considering that narcissists aren’t always romantic partners; sometimes it’s a parent, friend, or coworker, however the underlying patterns and behaviors are often the same. It also has some choice language throughout—nothing excessive, but it may distract or offend some readers, so just something to be mindful of!
An entire chapter is dedicated to the connection between narcissists vs empaths, and in particular INFJ empaths. If you’re either, it’s hugely validating, but can be beneficial for all types to better understand the complex dynamics of narcissism.
One of the last chapters outlines traditional and alternative ways to heal. No two people or situations are the same, so find what works best for you and your journey. However if you’re a follower of Christ, the only parts strongly advised against are reiki, chakra balancing, manifestation, law of attraction or “the secret” as those are clearly spoken against in Scripture. (If you’re curious to know more, checkout this useful article on manifestation by christianity.com→)
While this book isn’t faith-based, it’s by far the most insightful title on this list when it comes to narcissism. It very simply puts into words what victims often struggle explaining, even to themselves. More than anything it provides incredible CLARITY—something survivors of narcissistic abuse are in desperate need of.
Additional books and resources are referenced throughout, so I encourage you to do your own research if this topic resonates. It’s one of many ways to take power back and begin healing on your own terms!
FAVORITE QUOTES:
- “[Narcissistic Abuse is a] huge trauma made out of a million tiny shocks that shatter the memory, erode the self and break your life into fragments. It’s psychological terrorism at it’s worst and confusing as hell at its best.” (pg 19)
- “Covert abuse… is sometimes even more damaging than overt abuse because there are no visible battle wounds to verify the abuse—only the aftermath of psychological terror.” (pg 25)
- “There’s nothing more powerful than a survivor tapping into his or her power. There is nothing more powerful than a survivor being motivated to reach their maximum level of success, self-development and self-love—by the very bullies who attempted to disempower them.” (pg 170-71)
- “Attempting to stifle your anger while forcing yourself to forgive your abuser too soon actually impedes the healing process.” (pg 176)
- “While the logical, reasoning part of our brain tells us to get out, our subconscious runs towards the very perpetrator who acts and behaves an awful lot like the ones that we depended on for our survival.” (pg 192)
REVIEW:
This book is a short devotional study for women, spanning 20 days. Each entry includes a scripture passage, reflection, prayer, and space to journal.
It’s written by 4 different authors, all speaking from experience and with compassion. Due to the concise length it doesn’t go terribly deep, but still explores many relevant topics.
While everyone’s circumstances are unique, this book provides a solid overview of common struggles people run into when faced with abuse or crippling anxiety—especially where they overlap with faith.
It offers encouragement, practical ways to seek Jesus through seasons of heartache, how to begin healing and growing in your identity as a daughter of God.
FAVORITE QUOTES:
- “[The enemy] wants us to feel so ashamed of what we’ve been through that we force ourselves not to feel it. And the truth is if we don’t feel it, we can’t heal it.” (Collier, pg 21)
- “God doesn’t break us unless He has something greater to accomplish through that suffering.” (Fields, pg 56)
- “The thing about roots is they are often formed from experiences that were out of our control… [but] the way we go back and shed light on the root is our choice.” (Moquin, pg 64)
- “Everyone can speak into what they think should be important to us, and everybody loves trying to decide what the right path is for us. But when it comes down to it, we are the only ones who have the honor of choosing what is going to hold value in our lives.” (Moquin, pg 68)
- “In a world full of uncertainties and what if’s, the only key to having true peace over anxiety comes by actively choosing God’s sovereignty over our desire to control.” (Maxey, pg 99)
RELATED POST: DISCERNING TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS AS A CHRISTIAN →
Getting Past Your Past
Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy
REVIEW:
This book is written by the creator EMDR Therapy, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. A professional guides your eyes in back and forth movements, imitating the process carried out in REM sleep, except you’re fully awake and talking through emotions related to the trauma. This enables the brain to fully process memories that still hold an emotional charge, and eventually eliminates any disturbances associated with it.
This book explains the science behind this type of therapy in an easy-to-grasp style, outlining simple techniques, journal prompts, and at home exercises that anyone can benefit from. At times, it can seem a little research-heavy, but it’s definitely a worthwhile read to better understand how humans process memories, abuse, and ultimately how to heal.
Whether you’ve experienced trauma or not, it lays a foundation to explore subconscious memory networks in order to implement positive changes in life. Numerous resources are provided throughout, including useful charts, additional reading, and how to find an EMDR-certified therapist (if you wish to explore that further). Overall, this book gives a solid overview of how the brain stores memories, and various EMDR techniques that can assist you on your healing journey.
FAVORITE QUOTES:
- “The past affects the present, without our even being aware of it.”
- “Sometimes we’re tricked by our reactions into thinking they are valid just because we’re experiencing them. But just because we’re afraid doesn’t mean there is a tiger in the room. Roses are red—sometimes. And violets aren’t blue—even if our minds say otherwise.” (pg 43)
- “Your brain is no different from the rest of your body. You’d go to a physician to have your arm set if you broke it—then your natural healing process would take over. But without getting help to have the bones of your arm aligned first, it wouldn’t work. The same is true of your memories and the information processing systems of your brain.” (pg 94)
- “There is nothing shameful about having unprocessed memories. We all have them.” (pg 116-17)
The Body Keeps the Score
Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
REVIEW:
***Disclaimer—This book may be triggering, especially for war veterans and survivors of physical or sexual abuse. Many sensitive topics are addressed, so would not recommend this title for younger readers, or for those easily triggered by traumatic/abusive situations.***
I’d heard this title recommended many times, so was eager to read it and better understand the connection between mind and body. However, I wasn’t prepared for how disturbing some of the content would be. It shares trauma stories that countless victims have experienced, which is completely heartbreaking to say the least. In particular for victims of similar abuse, as well as empaths, highly sensitive people, or those deeply impacted by other’s pain.
Awareness and compassion for other people’s lived realities is important for society as a whole—but want to preface by sharing that it’s a very emotionally intense book. It opens up important discussions, but would only recommend reading if you’re in a good space mentally and have healthy skills in place to process any upsetting material.
The first couple chapters are a little data heavy, making it hard to stick with at times. The information sets groundwork for understanding the rest of book, but if you’re looking for layperson explanations or a more holistic/spiritual approach, this may not be your first choice.
Most of the content focuses on traditional PTSD as common in war veterans, victims of assault, natural disasters, domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse. It’s important to note that trauma can also be more subtle and difficult to recognize, like in cases of emotional neglect, verbal abuse, covert manipulation, or any longterm complex trauma.
The author is a big advocate for uncovering root causes and managing that vs simply addressing symptoms or covering it up with medication. Many controversies in modern medicine are addressed, especially the warped influence money has had, rather than concern for individuals it’s supposed to benefit. For the average reader not in psychotherapy or physiology fields, it’s shocking to learn just how widespread this issue is, but good to be aware when discerning what healing modalities are best suited for you.
That’s not to say that all medication is bad, but very rarely is healing achieved through a single means. Unfortunately, there’s no magic wand to alleviate all pain and suffering. Humans are far too complex and beautifully unique for one size fits all, so appreciate the holistic approach outlined in this book.
If abuse isn’t present in your life, this book will still help you better understand it’s grave impact, expand your understanding of human nature, and increase compassion for others—especially individuals that may be difficult to get along with due to unresolved trauma.
While this book is intense, it shows the incredible resiliency of humans to be strengthened through hardship and heal from even the most traumatic of circumstances. The biggest takeaway is HOPE—to heal from the impacts of trauma, embody your true self in all its facets, regain agency of your life, and ultimately to thrive.
FAVORITE QUOTES:
- “Our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another.” (pg 38)
- “The essence of trauma is that it is overwhelming, unbelievable, and unbearable. Each patient demands that we suspend our sense of what is normal and accept that we are dealing with a duel reality: the reality of a relatively secure and predictable present that lives side by side with a ruinous, ever-present past.” (pg 197)
- “The only way we can change the way we feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend what is going on inside ourselves.” (pg 208)
- “People cannot put traumatic events behind until they are able to acknowledge what has happened and start to recognize the invisible demons they’re struggling with […] Telling the story is important; without stories, memory becomes frozen; and without memory you cannot imagine how things can be different.” (pg 221)
- “Seeing novel connections is the cardinal feature of creativity… it’s also essential to healing.” (pg 274)
RELATED POST: FEARFULLY + WONDERFULLY BOOK REVIEW →
Written by a surgeon about the relationship between our physical bodies and the spiritual Body of Christ, this book provides a beautiful framework for how we are all intricately created in God’s image. Though not specifically about trauma, it highlights the profound connection between spirit and body, which can be wildly healing for victims & survivors that struggle with dissociation or hypervigilance as a result of abuse. Truly an incredible book and recommended for any person of faith!
Shatter Shame
How to Choose Connection Over Perfection
REVIEW:
This book is useful wherever you’re at in your healing process, with prompts for inner reflection at the end of each chapter. If you’ve done previous research into the topic of shame, it may initially seem on the lighter side or take a few chapters to get into, but it’s worthwhile for bridging the gap between the psychology of shame and truth of the gospel.
However there are a couple caveats in relation to faith, which are further explored below…
Caveat #1: In one of the chapters, it talks about people experiencing God’s presence through miraculous healing. While we each relate to God in different ways, there’s a fine line between a valid lived experience vs an overarching belief we can be instantly healed just because we had faith to believe.
Miracles DO still happen today, which are beautiful and necessary to inspire big faith and God-sized dreams. But equally important is encouragement for the realities many people find themselves walking through. Times when God says no. When life doesn’t pan out as we’d hoped. When we pray & pray & pray but it seems like nothing comes out of it.
Our circumstances (physical, mental, spiritual, financial, or other) are not a reflection of us, of our faith not being “strong enough” or prayed in the “correct” way. Many people genuinely believe God can do it, or they hear stories about other people being restored, but then for whatever reason, it doesn’t work out for them.
It’s easy to grow bitter or even resentful when that happens, but a crucial and often overlooked distinction is how any seed of faith needs to be tethered to God, so regardless what happens, the focus remains on Him and His plans, rather than a result of our human efforts.
God may be doing something different in their life, or revealing something new in your heart. Ultimately, we have to surrender our lives to His will, and trust He has a greater plan… even when all else appears to say otherwise or our circumstances feel unbearable.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Caveat #2: Another chapter brings up narcissism, however it doesn’t make a clear enough distinction between just anyone having narcissistic traits, vs. full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. As a result, that section may fall flat for anyone who’s interacted with this personality type, because it doesn’t address the complex realities of NPD and it’s impact on faith.
Jesus is the ultimate cure for any challenge we face, however, implying that He can “cure” narcissism can be incredibly harmful for victims in a relationship with one. Similar to the previous section, people can pray and believe for change with the best intentions, but our faith in something or longing for it doesn’t always guarantee a yes from God.
All things are possible through Him (Matthew 19:26) so it’s conceivable for some narcissists to improve in therapy, but those cases are few and far between. The reality is that most individuals are clouded by deep pride or resistant to change; either they genuinely believe they did nothing wrong or they’re unwilling to confront the loss of control necessary for longterm interpersonal growth.
The most effective known response to NPD is going No Contact—or if that’s not possible, very low contact and utilizing the Gray Rock Method. Engaging any more than absolutely necessary will only hinder your own peace and healing, robbing you of the opportunity to fully love and be loved in a safe and healthy way.
The concept of Jesus “healing” narcissists may be true for a very small percentage, but for the vast majority, that teaching projects unnecessary shame onto victims, keeping them stuck in abusive relationships out of fear they’re not “trusting God” or “loving their neighbor” when that’s simply not the case with NPD. To suggest otherwise shifts unfair blame onto victims who are already struggling under the weight of covert abuse.
Narcissism is a very gray area steeped in manipulation and complex trauma. If someone was physically beating another person, one could pray for them, but it’s still advised to remove themselves from that situation, because it’s not healthy or God-honoring to keep subjecting yourself to explicit hurt. The exact same is true with covert abuse, it’s just way more subtle, so is often misunderstood and warped by society.
“It is better to live in a desert land than with a [person] who argues and causes trouble.” Proverbs 21:19
Overall, there’s still a lot of wisdom and insightful quotes throughout this book, just a couple sections I would remind abuse victims to not place too much weight in, remembering that everyone’s story is unique. The main themes are still largely beneficial, and it’s important to share a variety of recommendations, as people connect with different material in different ways 🙂
It does effectively combine psychology and theology for Christians struggling to navigate complicated emotions like shame. One particularly helpful image is a “shame tree” based in fear, which is then fed by secrecy and silence. The resulting “bad fruits” are things like isolation, self-pity, and anger to name a few. This is contrasted with an “identity tree” planted in the love of Christ, which blossoms with the good fruits of trust, authenticity, confidence, and joy, among others.
These symbols highlight unresolved areas we may need to work on or uproot, as well as ALL of the good waiting for us when we surrender hurt to God and commit ourselves to the holy process of healing. When we plant ourselves in who God calls us to be vs what past experiences attempt to label us, abundant life is found!
FAVORITE QUOTES:
- “The times we want to hide are the exact moment when we need to let people see us. Relationships get real when we allow people to be our strength when we are weak.” (pg 55-56)
- “When we turn our eyes away from truth and focus on shame, we miss the opportunity to be comforted by the Holy Spirit. Many of us try to run and hide, turning our attention to something or someone else as a source of artificial comfort […] We must allow the Comforter to comfort us.” (pg 124)
- “Shame will not be able to stay in a person who understands their identity in Christ, which is found by renewing the mind.” (pg 129)
- “We need to start talking to ourselves instead of listening to ourselves.” (pg 135)
- “Meditation is from God so of course it is going to bring peace. But only through Jesus are we able to experience the kind of peace that remains… When Christians use meditation, it is to fill and renew our minds with God’s Word and His presence.” (pg 178)
TRAUMA’S RELATIONSHIP TO FAITH
It’s common for faith to be affected when dealing with narcissism, since this type of abuse distorts one’s perception and self identity. Unfortunately, many victims can fall susceptible to enemy lies or abandon faith altogether. After all, why would God allow such deep suffering if He’s supposed to care for us?
It becomes especially harmful if bordering on spiritual abuse—projecting blatant falsehoods about God, using religious teaching out of context as leverage, shaming you for past mistakes, or mocking your spiritual beliefs. Covert or psychological abuse already comes with a lot of guilt and shame, so it’s crucial to find a steadfast source of hope throughout the healing process.
THE MISSION
A big part of why The Beacon Road exists, is to advocate at the intersection of faith and complex trauma—affirming others with the truth of the gospel and unwavering love of Jesus, even amid deep anguish.
Having been through the nightmare that is narcissistic abuse and out on the other side, I want to offer encouragement for the dark, let down, lesser-talked-about places, and share hope that things can improve.
It may get worse before it gets better, you might think of giving up, you could feel abandoned by loved ones or even God Himself… but I assure you He’s in the middle of it fighting alongside you. Though your situation may seem bleak now, there will always be Hope beyond our current heartache.
God can use anything—including your life—for good. Shared stories are what bind us and keep one another going. I hope you stick around and find encouragement, allowing your identity be replanted in Him.♡
Resources and more information on NPD
- 12 Signs You’ve Experienced Narcissistic Abuse on Healthline
- The Terrible Toll of Narcissistic Abuse on Psychology Today
- Effects of Narcissistic Abuse on Verywell Mind
- Serious Misconceptions about Narcissism on Psychology Today
- 7 Types of Narcissists and What to Look For on Better Help
≫ Have you read any of these books? I’d love to hear your thoughts below!
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*Disclaimer: The information provided on The Beacon Road is not a substitute for professional medical advice, mental health advice, spiritual advice, or treatment of specific medical, mental health &/or spiritual conditions. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem, for yourself or others, without consulting a qualified healthcare provider. The Beacon Road is not liable for how the information is used and cannot be held responsible or guarantee any results. The Beacon Road is simply serving as a guide to help you reach your own spiritual wellness and mental health goals through simple holistic remedies and lifestyle changes.
The Comments
Anne Boyle
Thanks for these Megan, I’m glad I’ve found you. Not long out of a 14 year covert narcissistic abusive marriage, and a lifetime of it, including unfortunately a pastor’s wife recently too 😢 I appreciate the caveats you put in too, very helpful. I look forward to tuning in here.
Love in Christ, Anne XX
Meghan Cole
Anne BoyleHi Anne, thanks for your comment! I’m so sorry to hear that and know it’s not an easy road, but I’m glad to offer even a little bit of hope. Thankful to have you here 🙂 (Also, encourage you to join the Wayfarer Community newsletter–there’s an upcoming project on finding healing amid such hardship, so stay tuned!)
– Meghan
Crystal
Thank you. I have been through multiple relationships where I endured spiritual narcissistic abuse. I am currently writing a book that will help others heal from this toxic abuse that is so prevalent in our society today.
I look forward to read more of this.
Blessings,
Crystal
Meghan Cole
CrystalHi Crystal, thanks for the feedback! I’m so glad this article was useful, though I’m sorry to know you’ve been through such hardship. Channeling it into a book to help others sounds like a constructive way to find good in difficulty. I’d be eager to read it and wishing you the best of luck!!
– Meghan